Relationships, part 19

I guess that’s what I get, or what I deserve.  I don’t know.  I don’t even know where to begin.  Matty decided he just wants to be friends.  I’ll never put myself out there ever again.  Ever.  I’ve already begun to delete my social media accounts (more on that in another post) save for my Instagram and Twitter accounts.  I’ll be leaving Facebook by the end of the week and I’ll never come back.  I haven’t showered in 3 days and barely eaten or slept.  I’m just surviving and going through the motions.  I’m doing exactly what I said I’d do if this happened, I’m just going to be a soulless husk that goes to work, pays bills and never bothers anyone.  I’ll just keep to myself.

He keeps apologizing and says he’s sorry – just like Jeff did – but I don’t know what to do or say or think or feel.  I just want to die.  If this is what the rest of my life, or my existence, is going to be like I think I’d rather just die.

I just don’t understand why I’m so disposable or worthless to people.  I don’t even feel like finishing setting up my game room now.  What’s the point?  Who’s it for?  I’m completely devastated.  I can’t even properly articulate any of this shit into words.  I guess my backlog and gaming is going to continue to suffer in 2019 as well.